Okay, so with the help of a few friends I've calmed myself down. I realized that my previous post was very poorly worded anyway. I know people have cared about me, and I believe that I am important, just not so much as I could be.
What I worry about, and this feels oh so silly because I think everyone has felt this way at one time or another, is that even my potential falls short. I know I don't live up to myself in the least, physically, mentally, or spiritually. I've always believed that I could be complete. Now I'm afraid my potential even is inadequate.
I have faith that I never had before, drive that I never thought I could have, and what it has led me to believe is that I will never be enough for anyone. I'm eighteen years old. I've never had anything even close to a girlfriend, let alone an intimate relationship. I see people around me planning their futures together. I think that's foolish at this age. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the right time is going to magically become clear, or that something is going to suddenly click. Wisdom, as I realized overnight, is the abliity to balance the will of the emotional center with intellectual center. I think it's foolish to follow either on its own, and yet I envy those who possess even the opportunity to do so, wasted though as it often is.
My jealousy, my envy, is cold. I have no desire for the pain of others, and I wish well to even those I consider foolish. I could never have said that in earnest before. I have a few people to thank for that.
I just wish I had a chance.
TJ and Denny and I went to the beach. We got roasted. It was a blast. We went for a walk, and Denny mentioned that I never comment on girls' appearances. I never say that anyone's really hot, or cute, or that I'd like to go ask this or that person out. TJ mentioned that it never seems I have an interest in anyone. It's self defense. I had an interest in Katie, twice, both times of which ended in disaster. She was my most earnest pursuit, carried out with excess immaturity and lack of compassion. I'm really sad about that, but I'm not jaded to the idea of a relationship. I have no exposure, anyway. The girls I see on a regular basis are Jackie, who said she'd never talk to me again if I developed an interest, and Lauren and Jill who are beyond question. I'm a Computer Science major, so there are no women in my classes. That's not an exercise in sexism, simply a truthful observation. I don't meet people in clubs because I don't go to clubs. I don't meet people at Rocky's because I have yet to come across someone at Rocky's who wasn't either shallow, irrespectable, or wholly out of place.
I wish...
What I worry about, and this feels oh so silly because I think everyone has felt this way at one time or another, is that even my potential falls short. I know I don't live up to myself in the least, physically, mentally, or spiritually. I've always believed that I could be complete. Now I'm afraid my potential even is inadequate.
I have faith that I never had before, drive that I never thought I could have, and what it has led me to believe is that I will never be enough for anyone. I'm eighteen years old. I've never had anything even close to a girlfriend, let alone an intimate relationship. I see people around me planning their futures together. I think that's foolish at this age. Don't get me wrong, I don't think the right time is going to magically become clear, or that something is going to suddenly click. Wisdom, as I realized overnight, is the abliity to balance the will of the emotional center with intellectual center. I think it's foolish to follow either on its own, and yet I envy those who possess even the opportunity to do so, wasted though as it often is.
My jealousy, my envy, is cold. I have no desire for the pain of others, and I wish well to even those I consider foolish. I could never have said that in earnest before. I have a few people to thank for that.
I just wish I had a chance.
TJ and Denny and I went to the beach. We got roasted. It was a blast. We went for a walk, and Denny mentioned that I never comment on girls' appearances. I never say that anyone's really hot, or cute, or that I'd like to go ask this or that person out. TJ mentioned that it never seems I have an interest in anyone. It's self defense. I had an interest in Katie, twice, both times of which ended in disaster. She was my most earnest pursuit, carried out with excess immaturity and lack of compassion. I'm really sad about that, but I'm not jaded to the idea of a relationship. I have no exposure, anyway. The girls I see on a regular basis are Jackie, who said she'd never talk to me again if I developed an interest, and Lauren and Jill who are beyond question. I'm a Computer Science major, so there are no women in my classes. That's not an exercise in sexism, simply a truthful observation. I don't meet people in clubs because I don't go to clubs. I don't meet people at Rocky's because I have yet to come across someone at Rocky's who wasn't either shallow, irrespectable, or wholly out of place.
I wish...
posted by Casey at
16:30
