So much for that idea.

Thank you Mike for my early Christmas present. I will think of some way to make it up to you. As per your request, I will be playing it all night, probably in lieu of doing my homework.

Why do something this foolish? What's a cup of water to the ocean?

Why? I need to feel something, anything, right now, because I am falling out of the plane and I think my parachute has decided not to open, and all I feel is the chill breeze on my face.

I just realized how depressing this thing has been lately. I'll try to fix that.

I feel better. I feel a lot better. I'm taking a break from watching the Leonid showers from my rooftop. It's really quite beautiful.

I just saw "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with Lauren and Philip. It was just as good as everyone has been saying, but more importantly it put me in a thoughtful mood. If you've seen it, perhaps you know what I mean.

The first and most amusing thing I realized from the movie is that my alcohol tolerance is well founded. My dad and every male on my mother's side of the family can drink anything with a pulse (and even some things without) under the table. My uncle is writing what I have dubbed the encyclopedia alcoholica, a four-thousand page (and growing) bible on liquor of the western world. All this, and I don't drink. Not really, at least.

Anything beyond that is still muddled. I've had plenty of time to be muddled so I can't remember the steps along the way, but the thoughts are starting to get coherent. I'm normally very bothered by things that I don't know. The only time I still get mad at my friends is when they hide things from me, especially things that I figure out on my own with minimal effort, or at least can put a semi-educated guess towards. I'm bothered by being not good enough, or in more accurate terms I'm bothered by being reminded of when I'm not good enough. Truly I am not oft upset, but many things mess with my mojo, so to speak.

Lately, though... I am growing content. I'm inadequate, that's fine. I don't always know what's happening, or what's going to happen, and that's fine too. I can be happy without it all. I'm not satisfied in the literal sense of the word; the four things I want out of life yet elude me and I never stop inching towards daylight where they are concerned. Lately, I even have more reason to be afraid and unsure, but I say "Fuck all" to that because somehow I'm as happy as I've ever been anyways.

Enjoy the nonsense. I just posted Gllian Anderson as number 53. I'm hopping back on my roof to see what I can see.

It's 12:26 Sunday night, or Monday morning if you want to be a pain in the ass about it. I've had an interesting night.

I feel like I'm dying. No joke. I'd love to tell you all about it, but everything inside me is boiling, and it hurts to type. Beyond this, I discovered halfway through the drive home that light burns my eyes, effectively blinding me. Despite the fact that after the painfully long drive home I'm feeling like someone must still like me to have survived, I still have a project due tomorrow and I don't want to press my luck.

I'm going to go try to take my contacts out so I can go to sleep. If that doesn't work, I'll probably collapse soon which will serve the same purpose.

I believe we were on 49, coming off of my carefully chosen William Hurt. Hmph, actor humor...