No, I wasn't on drugs when I made that last post, I was just high on life!

I mean it, I had been awake for at least 40 hours... so that's why I spent half of the ride up to Tennessee sleeping.

The trip was really great. It was awesome seeing Jill again; I'm not sure I could have lasted the summer on scattered chat conversations alone. Katie's blog has a link to a picture guide of some of the highlights of the trip, including ghastly pictures of me stirring cookie dough and wearing oven mitts, which the girls found truly amusing. We saw rock city, which was as cool as the barns implied. We saw Ruby Faucet... I mean Ruby Falls. If you hadn't guessed, for the hour of walking around underground looking at rocks shaped like potato chips and donkey asses, the waterfall wasn't all that impressive. It was cool, don't get me wrong, and it was fun except for Matt hitting his head on the rocks every ten feet, but it wasn't quite as triumphant as the introduction concerto might have implied. No matter, I didn't go to Tennessee to see Tennessee, cuz honestly, what in Tennessee is there to see, see?

Say that ten times fast.

I found that Cara is really cool to hang out with, so I hope I get to see more of her over the summer. I asked them to call me to hang out before Matt had to leave, but I guess they were either too busy or thought I had some other motive. Apathy can be quite enlightening.

I went climbing with Mike when we got back. I had office shoes on, so I couldn't climb until we drove to K-Mart so I could buy a new pair (at a whopping 15 dollars). I decided that they were worth every penny when the traction slid out from under me as I was shifting my weight, dropping me suddenly onto one arm and popping my right shoulder half out of joint. I didn't make it up that wall. I guess I should have taken the hint. Sorry God dude.

I'm going to South Carolina over Monday and Tuesday for the Vector SCII conference. I'll be back at 3am Wednesday, but don't think that means I won't want to hang out.

Before that, I'm going to Froggers again to see Melissa this Sunday early afternoon. I don't know what the point is in really asking about it here, since I'll just ask again in person, but if anyone wants to go with me give my house or cell phone a call.

Tonight? Kicking it movie style at Citywalk before getting our Dark on in TJ's piece.

I'm better now.

I finally put my finger on why Katie drives me insane. She's got the guy thing that everyone knows about, and there's a start. I don't understand how I can be intimidating to anyone, least of all one of my friends, but that's only a sliver of it.

During the trip, "Oops, I did it again" by Britney Spears came on in the car, and she said something really interesting. The line "I'm not that innocent" came and went, and she said, "That's me! You all think I'm so innocent, and I'm really good at acting like it, but I'm not!" I sat there through the rest of the song, giggling and thinking, "Where is she getting this from?" I haven't thought her innocent for years now. In fact, for all the advice I glean out of conversations with Katie's friends, I've always considered those closer to her kind of naive in their mindset. The key is in the differing views.

I don't see that much of Katie. I don't mean that I don't often see her, I just mean that she is so withdrawn around me that for as much attention as I try to pay, I barely know her. Her friends know her quite well, because they have no reason to think otherwise. I do, and I think my own paranoia helps me realize some things.

When you take away the parts that are intimidated or threatened by me, all the parts that I never get to see, there isn't enough left to make up a human being. There simply isn't. Not to draw shallow comparisons, but she's like a jigsaw puzzle missing half of its pieces. I try and try to see the big picture, but I just get frustrated. Her close friends (read 'female friends') have this blanket of innocence to hold on to, and whether they believe that she's innocent or not, there's at least something filling up all that space. I don't see the innocence because I simply don't believe it when she acts that way, but I don't see anything beneath that either, because whatever's hiding down there is too frightened to come out when I'm around. As such, to me, Katie is half of a person.

The really stupid thing is this. I can't stand being ignorant. I like to know my friends through and through, even if I choose to tactfully ignore certain traits that disagree with me. Most people let me know them pretty well; even a person unwilling to share details gives me an idea of who they really are just in the ways they refuse. Katie's a blackout. She has no interest in being friends with me, either because of something I've done, or something I am. She's civil to me in public to hold up the innocence guise, and her friends applaud even that marginal effort, because they know she suffers my presence, just because I'm male. The reason this drives me mad is because I don't believe in half-people, so a certain faith drives me to believe there's something more to her even if I can't see it, and even if her friends don't acknowledge it. If any doubted my capacity for faith, consider this crusade and adjust your views.

I've changed over these last few years. I believed at a point that she didn't believe that I had changed, that she thought I was faking the metamorphosis. What I'm see now is that she knows I've changed, and the person I've become still isn't good enough to be her friend. I can't do much more than I have already. Maybe if I had a few operations she'd accept me as a human being, but I draw the line a good ways short of that.

I don't regret trying, but I do regret coming on so strong. I wish after this trip that I could get to be friends with Cara, but she probably thinks I'm a psycho after all this time, especially since she's had only one side of the story. She'd be right. I'm nuts. There are worse things.

I'll quit babbling now. It's a good thing nobody who really cares will ever read all this.